TachikoAiba wrote:

Non Theist wrote: Dear TachikoAiba, you are both eloquent and passionate. Admirable traits in a person. I do beg to differ with you, however. You speak of truth as it pertains to your religion. In this world I see the same passion for truth from not only catholics but from islamics, judaism, buddhists, scientology and most every other religion. To dismiss ones opinion based solely upon religious beliefs is only doing yourself a mis service. The real disservice to myself would be to put my faith in one who denies the most fundamental point of all truth. I'm sorry if that offends you. Of course others here may disagree with this post, but for my part, that's how it is. (Please forgive my rambling, also... it's very late, and I'm hoping this makes any sense at all.)

Wow, all that from my small paragraph. TachikoAiba, I didn't quote your complete post, as that would be unfair to the board owner to take up more hard drive space.
TachikoAiba, you write well, and as I said earlier you have passion, that makes for a good writer. Based upon what you have said, the above post is not fiction writing, but I will give you a critique anyway.
The argument is well laid out, but perhaps a bit to wordy to express your point. You could have used half the words to make your point and used the other half of the words to create a better plot. You came across as a little to 'preachy' as well. You may want to consider adding more action words to your writing, and fewer obvious opinion words.
When addressing your audience, be cognizant of how they perceive themselves. You called me an atheist, when in actuality, I see myself as a non-theist, and there is a difference. If you want to use your writing to reach non-Catholics, you have to understand that they see the world in a different light than you do. If you want to 'preach to the choir", you did well as mdChambs pointed out. some how, I don't think that was your point.

Now I shall give you a critique.

The approach you have taken in responding to Tachiko's last post was inappropriate and failed to achieve its end, assuming your goal was to continue discussion of your entry into the Collegium. Rather than address the actual substance of the argument, you chose instead to address its presentation - a pretty typical error among all the English majors I knew in my brief stint with the UofM English department. If you were an editor and this piece were being submitted for publication, fine, but this is a discussion, not an English class, and your response was a bit condescending.

This kind of critique is not what I want from the fellow members of the Collegium - criticism that sacrifices consideration for content and even technique for the sake of mere style. Moreover, your refusal to address Tachiko's arguments directly suggests a refusal of interest in real discussion, and several of the criticisms of style serve as indirect attacks on the substance (without offering constructive advice), suggesting a dangerously passive-aggressive response.

Non Theist wrote:

The argument is well laid out, but perhaps a bit to wordy to express your point. You could have used half the words to make your point and used the other half of the words to create a better plot. You came across as a little to 'preachy' as well. You may want to consider adding more action words to your writing, and fewer obvious opinion words. When addressing your audience, be cognizant of how they perceive themselves. You called me an atheist, when in actuality, I see myself as a non-theist, and there is a difference. If you want to use your writing to reach non-Catholics, you have to understand that they see the world in a different light than you do. If you want to 'preach to the choir", you did well as mdChambs pointed out. some how, I don't think that was your point.

Additionally, your over-use of quotation weakens the effect of quotation in general; in the third paragraph you use the wrong form of "too" twice; your comparative construction "half the words" and "half of the words" is imbalanced; the "action" you desire is appropriate for a narrative driven by energeic plot but not for philosophical discourse (which this is), and the "opinion" words that you criticize I cannot find (I noticed that she took pains to avoid opinion in many places), but I believe you may be mistaking well constructed arguments for opinions; you overuse the comma in the fourth paragraph; this piece of writing was not meant to reach non-Catholics in general but to explain a point to you in particular; your quotation marks in the fourth paragraph do not match; and the first word of your last sentence is both misspelled and in need of capitalization.







Besides which, you have missed or ignored the entire point of everything Tachiko said.


_

The tactless and aggressively anti-Catholic post of one "Atheist" has been deleted and his account has been delete and banned as well. I'm reasonably certain I know who he is but I won't "out" his name.

Mr. "Non-Theist", on the other hand, has behaved in a polite and reasonable manner which is why no punitive measures have been taken against him.